Anything other than work and college i fail at.
THE END
Saturday, December 26
Tuesday, December 22
my sanctuary deceased
Winter my favourite season.
Layers of snow piling high ontop of cities dence.
Covering away anything in it's path.
It creates a form of fog over the land and the ugly surroundings of busy streets and eyesores.
It brings a beauty of simplicity and similarity.
But underneath is the same old destroyer of nature that is found once everything is thawed.
I cover myself under my bedsheets hoping i am unseen and can not be portrayed by anyone.
But this still does not aid me because underneath i am still me i am still the same old destroyer of nature and hopes.
It's been a while since i posted that i wouldn't fail anyone again and i have for this i am sorry.
No love no loss, although i still seek my closure and comfort.
Layers of snow piling high ontop of cities dence.
Covering away anything in it's path.
It creates a form of fog over the land and the ugly surroundings of busy streets and eyesores.
It brings a beauty of simplicity and similarity.
But underneath is the same old destroyer of nature that is found once everything is thawed.
I cover myself under my bedsheets hoping i am unseen and can not be portrayed by anyone.
But this still does not aid me because underneath i am still me i am still the same old destroyer of nature and hopes.
It's been a while since i posted that i wouldn't fail anyone again and i have for this i am sorry.
No love no loss, although i still seek my closure and comfort.
and so this is "christmas"?
3 days proceedings until the magical day that is Christmas.
Christmas= overcommercialised business of all kinds including drinking.
The only reason i still celebrate this mokery of a holiday is for friends and family i give presents and although i do not wish to recieve any back i still do kind heartedly.
I've chosen to spend my christmas day working in the case restaurant feeding the homeless hoping i can do more for those who are in actual need of recieving, for whatever reason they are in there position i do pay attention to it is the state they are in and the circumstances there under. It shares a similar view in which i have with giving money, if they spend it on drugs then so be it i have given them my spare change in confidence that they will help themselves out if i then later see them with a can of cheap larger or injecting then they will no longer recieve from me.
Another thing i despise is rudeness, arrogance and lack of respect.
So my christmas is not a christmas i merely see it as a chance to make a minute difference.
The only other pressing issue on my plate this christmas is that of loneliness.
I am still at a stage in my life where my surroundings our pushing and pulling around me sculpting me by forces without a name to create who i am but i need another force that of love not neccesilary that of true love but even that of friendship would suffice to make sure my moulds fill with goodness and so that a sense of wholesomeness is created and a tight vaccum is formed in any thing that is not filled.
I wish to be cared for but on so many occasions i've hurt because of my "best intentions" so i guess it's time to stop trying and live an incomplete life and concentrate on what needs to be done and protecting others than worrying about myself.
I guess this was all a sidetrack on what i really should of be doing.
Christmas= overcommercialised business of all kinds including drinking.
The only reason i still celebrate this mokery of a holiday is for friends and family i give presents and although i do not wish to recieve any back i still do kind heartedly.
I've chosen to spend my christmas day working in the case restaurant feeding the homeless hoping i can do more for those who are in actual need of recieving, for whatever reason they are in there position i do pay attention to it is the state they are in and the circumstances there under. It shares a similar view in which i have with giving money, if they spend it on drugs then so be it i have given them my spare change in confidence that they will help themselves out if i then later see them with a can of cheap larger or injecting then they will no longer recieve from me.
Another thing i despise is rudeness, arrogance and lack of respect.
So my christmas is not a christmas i merely see it as a chance to make a minute difference.
The only other pressing issue on my plate this christmas is that of loneliness.
I am still at a stage in my life where my surroundings our pushing and pulling around me sculpting me by forces without a name to create who i am but i need another force that of love not neccesilary that of true love but even that of friendship would suffice to make sure my moulds fill with goodness and so that a sense of wholesomeness is created and a tight vaccum is formed in any thing that is not filled.
I wish to be cared for but on so many occasions i've hurt because of my "best intentions" so i guess it's time to stop trying and live an incomplete life and concentrate on what needs to be done and protecting others than worrying about myself.
I guess this was all a sidetrack on what i really should of be doing.
Monday, December 21
Wednesday, December 16
I'll take my heart back and set the people free.
Inspiration creates imagination.
imagination forges dreams.
dreams are enchanted wishes.
enchanted wishes are those you wish to make true and so you strive to achieve these wishes.
On a not so relevant note...
Since our communication pathways became connected I realised i'm not making a difference in the slightest anymore.
Selfish needs of my own future have wrapped me up in a direct thought bubble.
What you do everyday even if it appears to you as nothing much more than a quiet smile in a place vacant of people to see such a delicacy and takes as little effort as breathing you still make (sorry for the cliche) a world of difference.
I do not wish to be noticed nor have any sense of achievement for my acts.
Taking your time to even lift a person's spirit by the slightest of percentages can enable them to step over the line from just ok to a more reasonable state where chores and struggles seem less of a fight.
I could use the cliche of an empty tank but i'll translate this to seem slightly more contextual.
If you were to attend work after not eating and drinking an adequate amount you'd be lacking energy in which your mind would be not functioning to the same speed which in turn creates hazards be it as silly as banging your head on something or taking a considerable time longer to complete simple tasks. In the same respect situations are handled differently, you could be wired with a shorter fuse or may be lacking the simple thought processes to deal with people of a required temperant thus sculpting a different reflection of your attitude and visa versa with your surroundings and the people.
Finally empaphise with someone who struggles with what we see as the norm and our simple creates barriers, walls, ditches, milestones, rivers, mental blocks, emotions, mountains, oceans, hazards and risks for them so to achieve a smile across their face is a gift although it may not last for long every second counts that they're happy because without them their struggles would wear them down slowly more and more and without their top up of someone making a difference such as you they would eventually crash further and further.
You inspire....
You make a difference without the acts that you commit there'd be people out there starving of their imagination, dreams, wishes and goals.
imagination forges dreams.
dreams are enchanted wishes.
enchanted wishes are those you wish to make true and so you strive to achieve these wishes.
On a not so relevant note...
Since our communication pathways became connected I realised i'm not making a difference in the slightest anymore.
Selfish needs of my own future have wrapped me up in a direct thought bubble.
What you do everyday even if it appears to you as nothing much more than a quiet smile in a place vacant of people to see such a delicacy and takes as little effort as breathing you still make (sorry for the cliche) a world of difference.
I do not wish to be noticed nor have any sense of achievement for my acts.
Taking your time to even lift a person's spirit by the slightest of percentages can enable them to step over the line from just ok to a more reasonable state where chores and struggles seem less of a fight.
I could use the cliche of an empty tank but i'll translate this to seem slightly more contextual.
If you were to attend work after not eating and drinking an adequate amount you'd be lacking energy in which your mind would be not functioning to the same speed which in turn creates hazards be it as silly as banging your head on something or taking a considerable time longer to complete simple tasks. In the same respect situations are handled differently, you could be wired with a shorter fuse or may be lacking the simple thought processes to deal with people of a required temperant thus sculpting a different reflection of your attitude and visa versa with your surroundings and the people.
Finally empaphise with someone who struggles with what we see as the norm and our simple creates barriers, walls, ditches, milestones, rivers, mental blocks, emotions, mountains, oceans, hazards and risks for them so to achieve a smile across their face is a gift although it may not last for long every second counts that they're happy because without them their struggles would wear them down slowly more and more and without their top up of someone making a difference such as you they would eventually crash further and further.
You inspire....
You make a difference without the acts that you commit there'd be people out there starving of their imagination, dreams, wishes and goals.
Tuesday, December 15
reality and normality no longer exist
I'm pushing myself away from all emotions, sense of reason and all forces in this world.
I am longer taking in my surroundings, my mind has adapted to concentrating on the tasks ahead.
When i look up into the night sky on my travels home and i see the night sky and i see the stars and i see what seems to be one end and another horizon to horizon i am no longer seeing them as mysterious objects and i'm no longer intrigued into their purpose, history or how they function it's all just one big blur and when i come home and lay on my back looking around at the array of objects that surround me i no longer look into them and realise how many processes, people and thinking it takes to make each object and what their created out of and their purpose.
It's a saddening thought for my mind to only take in what it needs to do. I do so of my own choice and my own path i want to follow.
I'm careering down a path which requires alot of focus, skill and attention to detail. My social life slowly withering away down to the size of an atom where you'll see an old face walking down the street.
The pro so to speak is that this is where my passion lies and this is my enjoyment awaits.
In maybe 20-30 years i'll broaden my mind and be able to analyse the world again and give back to it and the people that walk upon it but for now this is my mind frame.
I loved it when you allowed me to let everything go and i felt safe with you and nothing could penetrate the walls that we were secured by. My reality and normality would return if those days would return. I still think about you.
I am longer taking in my surroundings, my mind has adapted to concentrating on the tasks ahead.
When i look up into the night sky on my travels home and i see the night sky and i see the stars and i see what seems to be one end and another horizon to horizon i am no longer seeing them as mysterious objects and i'm no longer intrigued into their purpose, history or how they function it's all just one big blur and when i come home and lay on my back looking around at the array of objects that surround me i no longer look into them and realise how many processes, people and thinking it takes to make each object and what their created out of and their purpose.
It's a saddening thought for my mind to only take in what it needs to do. I do so of my own choice and my own path i want to follow.
I'm careering down a path which requires alot of focus, skill and attention to detail. My social life slowly withering away down to the size of an atom where you'll see an old face walking down the street.
The pro so to speak is that this is where my passion lies and this is my enjoyment awaits.
In maybe 20-30 years i'll broaden my mind and be able to analyse the world again and give back to it and the people that walk upon it but for now this is my mind frame.
I loved it when you allowed me to let everything go and i felt safe with you and nothing could penetrate the walls that we were secured by. My reality and normality would return if those days would return. I still think about you.
Thursday, December 10
...
i'm not going to attempt to make this more sophisticated or deep/ meaniniful.
I need a cuddle.
BADLY.
I need a cuddle.
BADLY.
Tuesday, December 8
skeptics and true believers
This is my story.
My dream.
And my passion.
I will become what i wish but what i can not change is how others feel.
TSOL SECNAHC
I won't ever let anyone down again.
My dream.
And my passion.
I will become what i wish but what i can not change is how others feel.
TSOL SECNAHC
I won't ever let anyone down again.
Sunday, December 6
Friday, December 4
your innocence has defected
Eveyone on this planet is connected not only in the fact that we're built up millions of the same compounds and atoms but just in a distinct combination that makes you, quite simply you and how are bodies beat, breathe and grow but also we're tied through the people we've met, seen, befriended and beloved.
I wish your connections never amounted to this.
I wish your connections never amounted to this.
Tuesday, December 1
Opposite of left and wrong
I've retreated back into a more focused enviroment.
Becoming a recluse has enabled this focus to pass me through my weaknesses but undue attention my social life has fallen victim to time.
I am a man of no commitments except one, to care for others.
This has failed in the past and i've made many a wrong doings but fingers crossed for the future.
I'd happily continue pulling back into a safety bubble with no attatchments to the outside world and futher my ambitions, the more i do the more i crave to take risks and create dangers.
I don't want to spend these cold winter nights alone.
What happens, happens.
Fate will predict, process and partake in this.
Until then i will retreat into a cucoon.
Becoming a recluse has enabled this focus to pass me through my weaknesses but undue attention my social life has fallen victim to time.
I am a man of no commitments except one, to care for others.
This has failed in the past and i've made many a wrong doings but fingers crossed for the future.
I'd happily continue pulling back into a safety bubble with no attatchments to the outside world and futher my ambitions, the more i do the more i crave to take risks and create dangers.
I don't want to spend these cold winter nights alone.
What happens, happens.
Fate will predict, process and partake in this.
Until then i will retreat into a cucoon.
Wednesday, November 18
Monday, November 16
By daily dying I have come to be
So many unknown factors i distance myself from to hold me to this "sanity"
Step by step i am told to take, this is deemed the best way so they say but i can't stop wondering what if?
Each forward step we take we leave some phantom of ourselves behind.
Step by step i am told to take, this is deemed the best way so they say but i can't stop wondering what if?
Each forward step we take we leave some phantom of ourselves behind.
Thursday, November 12
Have you go it in you?
Everyone has a good and a bad side.
It's perceeving this balance that becomes the trick.
I am currently en route for a trial shift at a rather pleasant establishment called "1573"
making this jump will be one of my biggest accomplishments to date.
fingers crossed i will perform.
A young lad who i have the upmost respect for turned around to me today and told me i am his inspiration although i disagree i felt something crunch back into place inside of me just knowing that i might actually be doing something benificial for another again.
i'm back to being lost for words so this will have to do i'm afraid.
It's perceeving this balance that becomes the trick.
I am currently en route for a trial shift at a rather pleasant establishment called "1573"
making this jump will be one of my biggest accomplishments to date.
fingers crossed i will perform.
A young lad who i have the upmost respect for turned around to me today and told me i am his inspiration although i disagree i felt something crunch back into place inside of me just knowing that i might actually be doing something benificial for another again.
i'm back to being lost for words so this will have to do i'm afraid.
Monday, November 9
My heartstrings come undone
I've detached myself from these situations.
never to love never to lose is now my emblem which i'll stitch deep inside my mind.
I still wish to make a difference...
Still i can see no physcial way to forge this.
never to love never to lose is now my emblem which i'll stitch deep inside my mind.
I still wish to make a difference...
Still i can see no physcial way to forge this.
Sunday, November 8
ALAS
So it returns,
this feeling of utter disgrace in myself.
feeling inadequate.
I had one of the most amazing weeks of my life although i simply do not know why.
I did nothing special neither did the usual bullshit dissapear but i felt lifted for some reason yet no paticular reason.
I was supposed to look after you not hurt you none of this was intended and this time it wasn't that i was trying to do the right thing it was the fact that i didn't think.
Falling back into old situations i grasped the warmth and closeness as the love flowed through my very blood again and old actions repeated upon themselves.
I took the temptation to feel loved again.
I grasped it and never wanted it to go away but instead of thinking of you i thought of myself.
I've never quite felt so disgraced with myself, i've plummeted back to where i once crawled along passing the days counting down to nothing.
I DESERVE THIS.
I now forsee my future.
Never again shall i let someone down like i have you after all that's happened i still looked after you but due to my mere stupidity, never again will i think of myself.
As for you.....
Nothing can excuse this.
Neither will i try to, it happened and i deserve to break down again.
I now know that i've well and truelly destroyed everything.
your hope, your passion, your care and your friendship towards me.
Never again will you grace me with your senses.
There's one thing i regret you giving me as i don't deserve it;
Hope
You made me realise there are still civilised,caring people left who want to do what's right and never want to harm anyone in the process i wish i was still the same boy who would never stop looking for chances to make everyone else's life more than worth living but i've failed on too many occasions.
Although i can never go back and change what's happened i want you to understand that i will never do anything like that to anyone again i will only think of others well being.
I wish you the best and i wish i was the person to bring you that but i cannot and i'm sure you've came to see this.
One day will never happen now...
I'm sorry.
Alas i'm sitting here wondering if i can ever make a difference.
this feeling of utter disgrace in myself.
feeling inadequate.
I had one of the most amazing weeks of my life although i simply do not know why.
I did nothing special neither did the usual bullshit dissapear but i felt lifted for some reason yet no paticular reason.
I was supposed to look after you not hurt you none of this was intended and this time it wasn't that i was trying to do the right thing it was the fact that i didn't think.
Falling back into old situations i grasped the warmth and closeness as the love flowed through my very blood again and old actions repeated upon themselves.
I took the temptation to feel loved again.
I grasped it and never wanted it to go away but instead of thinking of you i thought of myself.
I've never quite felt so disgraced with myself, i've plummeted back to where i once crawled along passing the days counting down to nothing.
I DESERVE THIS.
I now forsee my future.
Never again shall i let someone down like i have you after all that's happened i still looked after you but due to my mere stupidity, never again will i think of myself.
As for you.....
Nothing can excuse this.
Neither will i try to, it happened and i deserve to break down again.
I now know that i've well and truelly destroyed everything.
your hope, your passion, your care and your friendship towards me.
Never again will you grace me with your senses.
There's one thing i regret you giving me as i don't deserve it;
Hope
You made me realise there are still civilised,caring people left who want to do what's right and never want to harm anyone in the process i wish i was still the same boy who would never stop looking for chances to make everyone else's life more than worth living but i've failed on too many occasions.
Although i can never go back and change what's happened i want you to understand that i will never do anything like that to anyone again i will only think of others well being.
I wish you the best and i wish i was the person to bring you that but i cannot and i'm sure you've came to see this.
One day will never happen now...
I'm sorry.
Alas i'm sitting here wondering if i can ever make a difference.
Thursday, November 5
Bring these walls.
Bring these baricades.
Mount your sheilds.
My mind is set.
Whilst there is still hope i will push past these obstacles and if i reach my destination without the futher knowledge that my time has passed i will still remain pleasant.
When an opportunity arises, one which fills your heart with that same textbook example of firey passion and then ceases with no validity, you will still fight for it until there is no hope and there is no chance.
Until that day my mind is set i remain optimistic of the future just understand that and you'll see;
I shall break down these walls
Force open these baricades
Fight against an army
and blow away this mist to allow this opportunity to breathe and inflame.
Bring these baricades.
Mount your sheilds.
My mind is set.
Whilst there is still hope i will push past these obstacles and if i reach my destination without the futher knowledge that my time has passed i will still remain pleasant.
When an opportunity arises, one which fills your heart with that same textbook example of firey passion and then ceases with no validity, you will still fight for it until there is no hope and there is no chance.
Until that day my mind is set i remain optimistic of the future just understand that and you'll see;
I shall break down these walls
Force open these baricades
Fight against an army
and blow away this mist to allow this opportunity to breathe and inflame.
Flashbacks
I walk into this house to see a man standing before me the one man i could never let down without being torn apart.
I walk through this house underestimating the changes that have taken place.
All my memories fading into the walls where i once grew up as a little boy.
Those times where i would come home to what i belived to be a sanctuary with my school lunch box and my mind buzzing with imagination.
But now i walk through and nothing is the same not one single detail the brickwork and the structure to what i once called home still stays set.
So i see this as nothing more than a cover up with the people who visit nothing more than intruders to my emotions and my past.
I'm no longer attatched to anything, no person, no building, no object.
Things come and go, memories fade, times change and people change with them although the structure and the memories shall last at least another decade.
"simple and clean" is how it once was but never more.
I walk through this house underestimating the changes that have taken place.
All my memories fading into the walls where i once grew up as a little boy.
Those times where i would come home to what i belived to be a sanctuary with my school lunch box and my mind buzzing with imagination.
But now i walk through and nothing is the same not one single detail the brickwork and the structure to what i once called home still stays set.
So i see this as nothing more than a cover up with the people who visit nothing more than intruders to my emotions and my past.
I'm no longer attatched to anything, no person, no building, no object.
Things come and go, memories fade, times change and people change with them although the structure and the memories shall last at least another decade.
"simple and clean" is how it once was but never more.
about a girl
So i filled your gap for a while.
While you were feeling that curse that we all call emptiness.
Loneliness is a sin to say the least bringing out the worst in us and all other around us.
Savagely attacking away until we find something and latch on bleeding the next person dry til you realise that they're not actually what you want.
I will never know how you feel or how you did, love is man made in my gentle opinion.
I still understand what your feeling and if you need me i'm here.
While you were feeling that curse that we all call emptiness.
Loneliness is a sin to say the least bringing out the worst in us and all other around us.
Savagely attacking away until we find something and latch on bleeding the next person dry til you realise that they're not actually what you want.
I will never know how you feel or how you did, love is man made in my gentle opinion.
I still understand what your feeling and if you need me i'm here.
Tuesday, November 3
To live and die on fire.
I hope you read this i honestly do and hopefully this will help you understand...
I've tried to fight and make things right and stand by my words and morals.
I constantly felt as though i was losing all the time.
Every single word you've said to me i understood but i can't help but feel this could of been something more.
You need to understand that i tried to make everything so simple for you and every word i've said is with good intentions.
With me writing this out i'm not trying to say i'm crazy for you but to connect and feel so comfortable around someone and not let it have it's fair chance and flourishing is what's taking it's toll.
I'd love for one day to try things again but with the walls set high and the boundaries numerous i don't think we'd get another chance again.
I came to the decision to block you out to only protect you from tribulations and wars against what seems like the only people you have left, and make your life an ease.
I am not you and i understand that it wasn't worth taking that risk of an unknown pleasure.
I'm sorry that i have but it was only to protect you,
I wish that it could....
I've tried to fight and make things right and stand by my words and morals.
I constantly felt as though i was losing all the time.
Every single word you've said to me i understood but i can't help but feel this could of been something more.
You need to understand that i tried to make everything so simple for you and every word i've said is with good intentions.
With me writing this out i'm not trying to say i'm crazy for you but to connect and feel so comfortable around someone and not let it have it's fair chance and flourishing is what's taking it's toll.
I'd love for one day to try things again but with the walls set high and the boundaries numerous i don't think we'd get another chance again.
I came to the decision to block you out to only protect you from tribulations and wars against what seems like the only people you have left, and make your life an ease.
I am not you and i understand that it wasn't worth taking that risk of an unknown pleasure.
I'm sorry that i have but it was only to protect you,
I wish that it could....
and now...
my mind is not set.
neither does it tick.
or beat to a rythm that's known to anyone.
It's out of sync with what is real or maybe what is known to be real.
I'm going to consult someone wiser than me in hope that he/she can fix this.
I never want to feel like that again.
Having a nervous breakdown has made me truelly realise something's not right.
and before you judge this as something it's not you need to fully understand why this has become.
Everyday nothing feels real.
i feel empty and worthless, inadequate so to speak.
The one thing holding me together "Y.G.A" is know lost.
To have the one thing you thought you were good at looking after others thrown back in your face can be that mm over the line that makes you break.
In simpler terms i had a nervous breakdown last week after a whole year of failing at looking after those around you and hurting everyone unintentionally that you held dear to you i broke with an array of emotions overcoming me.
I've had memory loss, mood swings, sleep paralysis, spontanious rages and also i'm struggling to do everyday tasks such as hold a conversation or put two sentences together so i apologise if this is absolute drivel i just need to make my mind stable again.
neither does it tick.
or beat to a rythm that's known to anyone.
It's out of sync with what is real or maybe what is known to be real.
I'm going to consult someone wiser than me in hope that he/she can fix this.
I never want to feel like that again.
Having a nervous breakdown has made me truelly realise something's not right.
and before you judge this as something it's not you need to fully understand why this has become.
Everyday nothing feels real.
i feel empty and worthless, inadequate so to speak.
The one thing holding me together "Y.G.A" is know lost.
To have the one thing you thought you were good at looking after others thrown back in your face can be that mm over the line that makes you break.
In simpler terms i had a nervous breakdown last week after a whole year of failing at looking after those around you and hurting everyone unintentionally that you held dear to you i broke with an array of emotions overcoming me.
I've had memory loss, mood swings, sleep paralysis, spontanious rages and also i'm struggling to do everyday tasks such as hold a conversation or put two sentences together so i apologise if this is absolute drivel i just need to make my mind stable again.
Tuesday, October 27
the door to light
Thinking of you, wherever you are.
We pray for our sorrows to end, and hope for our hearts to blend.
Now I will step forward to realize this wish.
And who knows:Starting a new journey may not be so hard,
Or maybe it has already begun.
There are many worlds, b
ut they share the same sky.
One sky,One destiny
We pray for our sorrows to end, and hope for our hearts to blend.
Now I will step forward to realize this wish.
And who knows:Starting a new journey may not be so hard,
Or maybe it has already begun.
There are many worlds, b
ut they share the same sky.
One sky,One destiny
Sunday, October 25
A threnody for modern romance
So i think it's time for an update on my present situation.
but currently i am too busy to tell the world of the pros and cons and the disposable moments and the indisposable ones.
All i really have time to say is i'm optimistic and hopefully you'll lead the way.
but currently i am too busy to tell the world of the pros and cons and the disposable moments and the indisposable ones.
All i really have time to say is i'm optimistic and hopefully you'll lead the way.
Friday, October 23
please stop this.
I don't think i can take this anymore.
or quite understand how this has happened.
it feels like your the devil
and i am the definition of insecurity.
and your taking advantage of a poor soul who can do nothing but give.
i plead that you are true and no lies or regrets shall come.
because right now i'm collapsing at your feet craving for those feelings to reduce me again to a simpler state
or quite understand how this has happened.
it feels like your the devil
and i am the definition of insecurity.
and your taking advantage of a poor soul who can do nothing but give.
i plead that you are true and no lies or regrets shall come.
because right now i'm collapsing at your feet craving for those feelings to reduce me again to a simpler state
Wednesday, October 21
Perfection is, broadly, a state of completeness and flawlessness.
I have never ever quite felt this way.....
Wednesday, September 30
Monday, September 21
Monday, September 14
Friday, September 11
Monday, August 10
So this is where i'm standing....
So here is where i'm at aged 18.
I'm off to college in september to take a GNVQ diploma in Hospitality and Catering Level 1, i'm working my way up hoping to perfect the basics and rid my cowboy ways for good also learning the correct names/language will come of use for future. I'll still be working part time at HBC and hopefully i can move on from leicester after two years futhering my career and my passion as there really is no reason for me to stay in leicester anymore i need to move on for good? who knows.
In terms of my health to be honest it's appauling i don't sleep and i don't eat i smoke 20 a day "lung bleeders at that" and my mind's starting to wonder doing the same thing day in day out and putting up with the same old bullshit day in day out. I wish i could of had one of those normal social lives but then again i gave that up long ago for a reason. Yet again hopefully this should ease off featuring a change in lifestyle drastic at that, more sleep, more homecooked food, a permanent strutcture in my life and then including i'm hopefully quitting smoking to allow me to prepare my amateur pallet for whats to come and also i plan on going to the gym to actually excercise properly rather than running on an empty tank constantly.
Come september everything should fall into place with not that much legwork.
Now now now... let's talk about the opposite sex for a moment...
Here's an intersting subject for you.
I'm at breaking point actually to be honest it's about friendship aswell, i have no consistent friendships at the moment in and out weaving away through peoples lives helping where i can has ruined me well and truelly i mean who do i have left who's willing to see me on a regular basis, let me see.
rosie lives in london and almost works as much as me and to be honest i think she's alot better off with seeing me now and again she's come along so much since she moved there and finally she's happy so thats all i can ask for.
kay, lives in london so thats a no brainer although 2 years time just hopefully i'll be down there.
everyone else seems like they can't deal with another person in there life full time.
and other just see me as latching on to them because i have no one else.
same with girls really i'm kinda latching on to the first one and then fucking up my head some more.
i was going to write more but my toothache is killing me so i've decided to end this blog.
It's a case of i need a routine and i need a helping hand.
I'm off to college in september to take a GNVQ diploma in Hospitality and Catering Level 1, i'm working my way up hoping to perfect the basics and rid my cowboy ways for good also learning the correct names/language will come of use for future. I'll still be working part time at HBC and hopefully i can move on from leicester after two years futhering my career and my passion as there really is no reason for me to stay in leicester anymore i need to move on for good? who knows.
In terms of my health to be honest it's appauling i don't sleep and i don't eat i smoke 20 a day "lung bleeders at that" and my mind's starting to wonder doing the same thing day in day out and putting up with the same old bullshit day in day out. I wish i could of had one of those normal social lives but then again i gave that up long ago for a reason. Yet again hopefully this should ease off featuring a change in lifestyle drastic at that, more sleep, more homecooked food, a permanent strutcture in my life and then including i'm hopefully quitting smoking to allow me to prepare my amateur pallet for whats to come and also i plan on going to the gym to actually excercise properly rather than running on an empty tank constantly.
Come september everything should fall into place with not that much legwork.
Now now now... let's talk about the opposite sex for a moment...
Here's an intersting subject for you.
I'm at breaking point actually to be honest it's about friendship aswell, i have no consistent friendships at the moment in and out weaving away through peoples lives helping where i can has ruined me well and truelly i mean who do i have left who's willing to see me on a regular basis, let me see.
rosie lives in london and almost works as much as me and to be honest i think she's alot better off with seeing me now and again she's come along so much since she moved there and finally she's happy so thats all i can ask for.
kay, lives in london so thats a no brainer although 2 years time just hopefully i'll be down there.
everyone else seems like they can't deal with another person in there life full time.
and other just see me as latching on to them because i have no one else.
same with girls really i'm kinda latching on to the first one and then fucking up my head some more.
i was going to write more but my toothache is killing me so i've decided to end this blog.
It's a case of i need a routine and i need a helping hand.
Sunday, August 2
Alas i cease.
I've came to a suddent hault all my life i've known what i want to do and what direction i want to go in, i've always managed to be able to take a step back and look at the bigger picture so to speak which has made me more of an understanding/forgiving character.
but right right now i haven't got any sense of direction even though i have plans for my future everything is covered in a deep disorientating mist as to whether or not i'll achieve or walk a different path.
in all apspects of my life theres an array of pieces missing which need to be swiftly ammended.
i'm due for a miracle i'm waiting for a sign i stare straight into the sun and i won't close my eyes.
I've came to a suddent hault all my life i've known what i want to do and what direction i want to go in, i've always managed to be able to take a step back and look at the bigger picture so to speak which has made me more of an understanding/forgiving character.
but right right now i haven't got any sense of direction even though i have plans for my future everything is covered in a deep disorientating mist as to whether or not i'll achieve or walk a different path.
in all apspects of my life theres an array of pieces missing which need to be swiftly ammended.
i'm due for a miracle i'm waiting for a sign i stare straight into the sun and i won't close my eyes.
Saturday, July 18
...
Oh have some heart and hold it to your chest, We weren't in love, we were too young.We throw our words around as if they were not gold, well they are.Oh maybe someday I will be something more, Real with arms and legs so I can walk away and stay away forever and some moresome more.I'll stick around to watch this town fall down to it's knees, You can pray the day that you hope is coming round real soon.I will run and stay away in a place that I don't know well of, You can chose a different song that you will soon love.Well here are the reasons that hurt me the most.Call off the search I'm coming home, People lie once, but not on the third, Not without reason, not for a girl.The names will vary, the names they may change, But the game, the game it stays the same, Oh love, we want the ones that we will grow to hate, to hate.It's just soOh no, oh no. oh woah, oh no ...(Etc.)Oh maybe someday I'll deserve something more, A home in which I will turn to grow.I plant the seeds so that we can become something more, something moreI'll stick around to watch this town fall down to it's knees, You can pray the day that you hope is coming round real soon.I will run and stay away in a place that I don't know well of, You can chose a different song that you will soon love.Oh here are the reasons that hurt me the most, Call off the search she's coming home.People lie once, but not on the third, Not without reason, not for a girl.
Monday, July 13
uneasy hearts weight the most
Frankly i don't give a fuck who reads this, i don't trust anyone but one sole person remains who has never ever in my eyes done a single bad thing or done anything out of spite or even has a bad bone in her body.
I'm sick of putting my effort into people who don't give a shit back and who don't care for me at all.
i'm tired.
i'm stressed.
i'm seeking sanctuary.
i don't believe.
i don't trust.
i want to breathe.
i choose life not deception.
or treachary.
i take pride.
but nothing compares.
I'm sick of putting my effort into people who don't give a shit back and who don't care for me at all.
i'm tired.
i'm stressed.
i'm seeking sanctuary.
i don't believe.
i don't trust.
i want to breathe.
i choose life not deception.
or treachary.
i take pride.
but nothing compares.
Friday, July 3
Born and raised
I can't take much more of this yes theres a weight lifted from my shoulders but i'm still not breathing easy and i'm backed into a corner fighting for light.
I've lost all direction.
I've lost all direction.
Thursday, June 25
Monday, June 1
Her advice cost us a life.
Chain smoking my way to hell.
i'm struggling.
i need the comfort.
i need it all back
i crave those butterflies
i miss those moments
i want to shed those tears again.
i'm struggling.
i need the comfort.
i need it all back
i crave those butterflies
i miss those moments
i want to shed those tears again.
Thursday, May 28
Undead
I recently had an expierience with salvia the "legal weed", in my own past i've taken an array of drugs including quite a few hallucigenics (excuse my spelling) i was level headed at the time and was more than willing to try it, i'm on of those people who will give anything a try because it's an expierience at the end of the day good or bad.....
What i saw and how i felt has messed my head and instincts beyond belief i can honestly say i freaked out from the go. How it's legal i really don't understand it was and i mean it, the worst expierience of my life i didn't know what was real and what wasn't for the following week and i still am pretty sceptic on certain things the moment my mind starts to wonder.
I strongly believe my minds too complicated for the drug due to my way of thinking and my views on such as the following;
-religion
-death
-the "beginning of time"
-How the world works
-the truman show
-what we touch and feel and everything around us
-trust
With my mind like this everythings starting to slip again.....
more on that later.
What i saw and how i felt has messed my head and instincts beyond belief i can honestly say i freaked out from the go. How it's legal i really don't understand it was and i mean it, the worst expierience of my life i didn't know what was real and what wasn't for the following week and i still am pretty sceptic on certain things the moment my mind starts to wonder.
I strongly believe my minds too complicated for the drug due to my way of thinking and my views on such as the following;
-religion
-death
-the "beginning of time"
-How the world works
-the truman show
-what we touch and feel and everything around us
-trust
With my mind like this everythings starting to slip again.....
more on that later.
Friday, May 8
Break me
I'd like to say yes everythings quite alright for me at the moment.
Work is getting easier my hours are slowly rising back up but i'm getting used to all the bullshit now, routine almost i'm used to walking into work and just almost expecting something to go wrong yes it makes it more interesting but on the other hand practicaly all of it is uncalled for and easily could be prevented by cutting a stone into two.
The bad patch is over and hopefully we're onto the straight and narrow now and so venetia is coming over tomorrow it's been too long two weeks to be exact but i know we're going to have an amazing time.
I'm yet to quit smoking as easy as it seemed at first i've quickly swallowed my words back up as i'm smoking right now, i have cut down from 20 to 5 a day but following tomorrow payday i don't know if i can hold it down for much longer, rolly's might be the answer.
The past month has been rather interesting i've caught up with alot of old friends who i thought i'd lost but by their greetings i know they're still there for me i doubt somehow they miss me but i know they're looking out for me as i am for them old and new.
Past week has been full of situations where i've felt like my old self again from nandos with tom, chilling round eli's to ringing kay for a natter. I know this won't last for long but i'm enjoying it for the mean time.
Good news i recieved my letter from leicester college with an interview date for next wednesday which should easily go down well landing me a place for september. It's the second most important thing which is keeping me going, there's only one other thing which has made me so excited in a long time and that's seeing her beautiful face :) but just to go and learn from scratch being a n00b almost;) just the idea of polishing off old skills should be exciting but i'm sorry working at a handmade burger joint isn't really cutting it atm i will miss the adrenaline rush after a busy service knowing you've done about 1k an hour and it's gone smoothly wacking out food row after row but then there's learning new stuff from butchery to bakery i'm ready to admit i know nothing and start a fresh and get everything i can from this expierience fuck the qualification i want to go and learn as much as possible to futher my career and show myself i can do it, i can actually get off my arse and follow something through. I also want to make my parents proud when i move on after to a better restaurant and cook some amazing mood, fresh and fine dining is my goal.
As far as my parents go at the moment well i've realised with my dad i'm never gonna be good enough for him to be honest i'll never work enough hours or work hard enough or even have a "proper job" i'm sorry you were working at 14 and you grafted your way through life and worked your way through up to were you are now but i'm sure i've more than proved that already and your too busy with your new life now to see that. I love my Dad to pieces i really do and i'll always try to maintain contact but i know i'll never be good enough.
My mum on the other hand well i regret so much and all the stuff i've put her through, out of all my family it's her i want to show that i can do well, i hardly know my mum and i've lived with her for so long i can honestly say i know fuck all about her and it's really upset me recently i just really want to prove to her i'm not a fuck up and she's brought me up incredibly well and all the shit i've given her she didn't deserve at all, i'm trying to make more of an effort now slowly but surely.
Theres one other person i'm going to college for and thats my brother ben, ever since i was little he's been my favourite brother being twice my age and all. But he's the one who first taught me how to sharpen a knife and handed me my first whites and trusted me to cook by his side he's always always had faith in me he put me up with a place to stay many a time, he taught be the basics and he always said this place isn't for you you need to move on and get yourself into college and then work your way up and never stop until you make it to where you want to be, he said don't do what i did and settle for a head chef job on good money i wish i could be where you are and go to college. He's also been more of a father figure to me i hope my father doesn't read this but he honestly has it feels like he's brought me up more sometimes.
Jake, he may be a little rascal but he's the smart one out of the lot and i know he's going to do well in his GCSE'S and i know he'll do well at college he may be a bit slow growing up but he's more than proved himself that he can stand on his two feet by making sure he gets out of bed on time every morning and going to school and doing his revision, maintaining a social life making sure he's bathed and fed i don't know many kids who could have as much as freedom as he does and still mange to pull it off.
Simon, he's still kicking back and enjoying his life and i envy him so much for that, he's still got his caring heart there aswell BFG pretty much. He's been working for a few months now and kept with it which i'm more than proud about as patronising as it may seem i'm so glad for his sake he's back on the right track. I really hope he keeps with it and one day ends up doing a job he enjoys.
Martin, me and martin have had our history in the past and when he was living with me it wasn't exactly a pleasant expierience i actually began to hate him even after all the years i used to visit him in his flat and play crappy playstation games and just talk to him when i needed to, i'd still fight with my life for him because at the end of the day he's my blood. He may still not be working but as long as he's got his kid i know he's happy thats the one most amazing thing thats happened in his life and i know he's more than just a great dad and i know with the support of my mum joe's going to be an exceptional child.
Sam, the only one of my brothers i rarely see and rarely connected with but he's done well for himself he really has and know he's following his dreams and getting into acting he recently starred as the lead role at the little theatre and i was amazed to see that my brother was standing there doing such an amazing job i was suprised and so proud at the same time.
That covers my immediate family i started to ramble a little then and i apologise but all this was more for my understand of my relationships more than anyone elses.
I'm going to leave this for now and hopefully i'll update soon.
Work is getting easier my hours are slowly rising back up but i'm getting used to all the bullshit now, routine almost i'm used to walking into work and just almost expecting something to go wrong yes it makes it more interesting but on the other hand practicaly all of it is uncalled for and easily could be prevented by cutting a stone into two.
The bad patch is over and hopefully we're onto the straight and narrow now and so venetia is coming over tomorrow it's been too long two weeks to be exact but i know we're going to have an amazing time.
I'm yet to quit smoking as easy as it seemed at first i've quickly swallowed my words back up as i'm smoking right now, i have cut down from 20 to 5 a day but following tomorrow payday i don't know if i can hold it down for much longer, rolly's might be the answer.
The past month has been rather interesting i've caught up with alot of old friends who i thought i'd lost but by their greetings i know they're still there for me i doubt somehow they miss me but i know they're looking out for me as i am for them old and new.
Past week has been full of situations where i've felt like my old self again from nandos with tom, chilling round eli's to ringing kay for a natter. I know this won't last for long but i'm enjoying it for the mean time.
Good news i recieved my letter from leicester college with an interview date for next wednesday which should easily go down well landing me a place for september. It's the second most important thing which is keeping me going, there's only one other thing which has made me so excited in a long time and that's seeing her beautiful face :) but just to go and learn from scratch being a n00b almost;) just the idea of polishing off old skills should be exciting but i'm sorry working at a handmade burger joint isn't really cutting it atm i will miss the adrenaline rush after a busy service knowing you've done about 1k an hour and it's gone smoothly wacking out food row after row but then there's learning new stuff from butchery to bakery i'm ready to admit i know nothing and start a fresh and get everything i can from this expierience fuck the qualification i want to go and learn as much as possible to futher my career and show myself i can do it, i can actually get off my arse and follow something through. I also want to make my parents proud when i move on after to a better restaurant and cook some amazing mood, fresh and fine dining is my goal.
As far as my parents go at the moment well i've realised with my dad i'm never gonna be good enough for him to be honest i'll never work enough hours or work hard enough or even have a "proper job" i'm sorry you were working at 14 and you grafted your way through life and worked your way through up to were you are now but i'm sure i've more than proved that already and your too busy with your new life now to see that. I love my Dad to pieces i really do and i'll always try to maintain contact but i know i'll never be good enough.
My mum on the other hand well i regret so much and all the stuff i've put her through, out of all my family it's her i want to show that i can do well, i hardly know my mum and i've lived with her for so long i can honestly say i know fuck all about her and it's really upset me recently i just really want to prove to her i'm not a fuck up and she's brought me up incredibly well and all the shit i've given her she didn't deserve at all, i'm trying to make more of an effort now slowly but surely.
Theres one other person i'm going to college for and thats my brother ben, ever since i was little he's been my favourite brother being twice my age and all. But he's the one who first taught me how to sharpen a knife and handed me my first whites and trusted me to cook by his side he's always always had faith in me he put me up with a place to stay many a time, he taught be the basics and he always said this place isn't for you you need to move on and get yourself into college and then work your way up and never stop until you make it to where you want to be, he said don't do what i did and settle for a head chef job on good money i wish i could be where you are and go to college. He's also been more of a father figure to me i hope my father doesn't read this but he honestly has it feels like he's brought me up more sometimes.
Jake, he may be a little rascal but he's the smart one out of the lot and i know he's going to do well in his GCSE'S and i know he'll do well at college he may be a bit slow growing up but he's more than proved himself that he can stand on his two feet by making sure he gets out of bed on time every morning and going to school and doing his revision, maintaining a social life making sure he's bathed and fed i don't know many kids who could have as much as freedom as he does and still mange to pull it off.
Simon, he's still kicking back and enjoying his life and i envy him so much for that, he's still got his caring heart there aswell BFG pretty much. He's been working for a few months now and kept with it which i'm more than proud about as patronising as it may seem i'm so glad for his sake he's back on the right track. I really hope he keeps with it and one day ends up doing a job he enjoys.
Martin, me and martin have had our history in the past and when he was living with me it wasn't exactly a pleasant expierience i actually began to hate him even after all the years i used to visit him in his flat and play crappy playstation games and just talk to him when i needed to, i'd still fight with my life for him because at the end of the day he's my blood. He may still not be working but as long as he's got his kid i know he's happy thats the one most amazing thing thats happened in his life and i know he's more than just a great dad and i know with the support of my mum joe's going to be an exceptional child.
Sam, the only one of my brothers i rarely see and rarely connected with but he's done well for himself he really has and know he's following his dreams and getting into acting he recently starred as the lead role at the little theatre and i was amazed to see that my brother was standing there doing such an amazing job i was suprised and so proud at the same time.
That covers my immediate family i started to ramble a little then and i apologise but all this was more for my understand of my relationships more than anyone elses.
I'm going to leave this for now and hopefully i'll update soon.
Monday, May 4
Friday, May 1
AITENEV - The pleasure to end all pleasures.
I lead a very serious life in some aspects yes i may kick back from time to time but i'm still in this mode that i'm in at work the kind of one where anything wrong irritates you and you keep going and going you can't just stop and breathe for two seconds.
I hate bringing all of this into my outside life it really troubles me sometimes from friendships to relationships. I still manage to scrape by but i don't want it to be like that.
In other news i've not slept more than 7 hours a night in quite a while and it's taking it's toll i'm back to working more than i sleep which is ridiculous. One little phone call earlier manage to snap me back up and sort me out even if it was just a love you :).
Finally i do apologise about this on reading my friends blogs i've noticed how they're all pretty much narated through and very well structured and kept to a similar topic throughout or you could even say they actually have some importance, in comparisson to my mitch matched patch of words jumbled together to form a so called sentence.
My humblest apologies
Ernest.
I hate bringing all of this into my outside life it really troubles me sometimes from friendships to relationships. I still manage to scrape by but i don't want it to be like that.
In other news i've not slept more than 7 hours a night in quite a while and it's taking it's toll i'm back to working more than i sleep which is ridiculous. One little phone call earlier manage to snap me back up and sort me out even if it was just a love you :).
Finally i do apologise about this on reading my friends blogs i've noticed how they're all pretty much narated through and very well structured and kept to a similar topic throughout or you could even say they actually have some importance, in comparisson to my mitch matched patch of words jumbled together to form a so called sentence.
My humblest apologies
Ernest.
Thursday, April 30
Little girls pointing and laughing
Two posts in one day? i don't know what the norm is for this blogger thingy, but i just thought i'd mention that i really don't expect anyone to read this, neither do i really wish anyone to, i think it'll be more of an acceptable way to talk to myself and get things off my chest.
p.s
missing her...
p.s
missing her...
Where Idols once stood
It seems like everyday at work i'm having to stay on extra or come in early and what for?
5.52 p/h your kidding right?
8 months of hard work when i got promised 6 p/h to start.
Adding insult to injury, i was on the bus on tuesday and i overheard a conversation about "the castle" in kirby muxloe and some guy was explaining what exactly he does to a lass and he was saying how he gets payed £5.52 to just nuke shit in the microwave. YES i may flip fucking burgers all day but Handmade Burger's one of the busiest restaurants around highcross so i need the communication and pressure skills to handle unexpected situations and to fix errors and it's a job no little budda ping chef could do.
I originaly turned and applied for this job as something for the mean time til i could start the next year at college and being a brand new restaurant in the highcross i strongly believed i'd be on good pay. Although its taught me the fair amount and promotions and raises are still on the mist. I still really can't wait to go to college i'm dying just to learn as much as i can, but more issues arise there but thats a story for another day so to speak.
Hopefully today i can sort out my life need to get the stamps out.
and hopefully i'll get a phonecall with venetia tonight.
Wednesday, April 29
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