ALAS

So it returns,
this feeling of utter disgrace in myself.
feeling inadequate.

I had one of the most amazing weeks of my life although i simply do not know why.
I did nothing special neither did the usual bullshit dissapear but i felt lifted for some reason yet no paticular reason.

I was supposed to look after you not hurt you none of this was intended and this time it wasn't that i was trying to do the right thing it was the fact that i didn't think.
Falling back into old situations i grasped the warmth and closeness as the love flowed through my very blood again and old actions repeated upon themselves.
I took the temptation to feel loved again.
I grasped it and never wanted it to go away but instead of thinking of you i thought of myself.

I've never quite felt so disgraced with myself, i've plummeted back to where i once crawled along passing the days counting down to nothing.
I DESERVE THIS.

I now forsee my future.
Never again shall i let someone down like i have you after all that's happened i still looked after you but due to my mere stupidity, never again will i think of myself.

As for you.....
Nothing can excuse this.
Neither will i try to, it happened and i deserve to break down again.
I now know that i've well and truelly destroyed everything.
your hope, your passion, your care and your friendship towards me.
Never again will you grace me with your senses.
There's one thing i regret you giving me as i don't deserve it;
Hope
You made me realise there are still civilised,caring people left who want to do what's right and never want to harm anyone in the process i wish i was still the same boy who would never stop looking for chances to make everyone else's life more than worth living but i've failed on too many occasions.
Although i can never go back and change what's happened i want you to understand that i will never do anything like that to anyone again i will only think of others well being.
I wish you the best and i wish i was the person to bring you that but i cannot and i'm sure you've came to see this.
One day will never happen now...




I'm sorry.





Alas i'm sitting here wondering if i can ever make a difference.