I wish to be enchanted.

By daily dying I have come to be

So many unknown factors i distance myself from to hold me to this "sanity"
Step by step i am told to take, this is deemed the best way so they say but i can't stop wondering what if?
Each forward step we take we leave some phantom of ourselves behind.

Have you go it in you?

Everyone has a good and a bad side.
It's perceeving this balance that becomes the trick.

I am currently en route for a trial shift at a rather pleasant establishment called "1573"
making this jump will be one of my biggest accomplishments to date.
fingers crossed i will perform.

A young lad who i have the upmost respect for turned around to me today and told me i am his inspiration although i disagree i felt something crunch back into place inside of me just knowing that i might actually be doing something benificial for another again.

i'm back to being lost for words so this will have to do i'm afraid.

My heartstrings come undone

I've detached myself from these situations.
never to love never to lose is now my emblem which i'll stitch deep inside my mind.

I still wish to make a difference...
Still i can see no physcial way to forge this.

ALAS

So it returns,
this feeling of utter disgrace in myself.
feeling inadequate.

I had one of the most amazing weeks of my life although i simply do not know why.
I did nothing special neither did the usual bullshit dissapear but i felt lifted for some reason yet no paticular reason.

I was supposed to look after you not hurt you none of this was intended and this time it wasn't that i was trying to do the right thing it was the fact that i didn't think.
Falling back into old situations i grasped the warmth and closeness as the love flowed through my very blood again and old actions repeated upon themselves.
I took the temptation to feel loved again.
I grasped it and never wanted it to go away but instead of thinking of you i thought of myself.

I've never quite felt so disgraced with myself, i've plummeted back to where i once crawled along passing the days counting down to nothing.
I DESERVE THIS.

I now forsee my future.
Never again shall i let someone down like i have you after all that's happened i still looked after you but due to my mere stupidity, never again will i think of myself.

As for you.....
Nothing can excuse this.
Neither will i try to, it happened and i deserve to break down again.
I now know that i've well and truelly destroyed everything.
your hope, your passion, your care and your friendship towards me.
Never again will you grace me with your senses.
There's one thing i regret you giving me as i don't deserve it;
Hope
You made me realise there are still civilised,caring people left who want to do what's right and never want to harm anyone in the process i wish i was still the same boy who would never stop looking for chances to make everyone else's life more than worth living but i've failed on too many occasions.
Although i can never go back and change what's happened i want you to understand that i will never do anything like that to anyone again i will only think of others well being.
I wish you the best and i wish i was the person to bring you that but i cannot and i'm sure you've came to see this.
One day will never happen now...




I'm sorry.





Alas i'm sitting here wondering if i can ever make a difference.

Bring these walls.
Bring these baricades.
Mount your sheilds.

My mind is set.



Whilst there is still hope i will push past these obstacles and if i reach my destination without the futher knowledge that my time has passed i will still remain pleasant.
When an opportunity arises, one which fills your heart with that same textbook example of firey passion and then ceases with no validity, you will still fight for it until there is no hope and there is no chance.

Until that day my mind is set i remain optimistic of the future just understand that and you'll see;

I shall break down these walls
Force open these baricades
Fight against an army
and blow away this mist to allow this opportunity to breathe and inflame.

Flashbacks

I walk into this house to see a man standing before me the one man i could never let down without being torn apart.
I walk through this house underestimating the changes that have taken place.
All my memories fading into the walls where i once grew up as a little boy.
Those times where i would come home to what i belived to be a sanctuary with my school lunch box and my mind buzzing with imagination.
But now i walk through and nothing is the same not one single detail the brickwork and the structure to what i once called home still stays set.
So i see this as nothing more than a cover up with the people who visit nothing more than intruders to my emotions and my past.
I'm no longer attatched to anything, no person, no building, no object.
Things come and go, memories fade, times change and people change with them although the structure and the memories shall last at least another decade.

"simple and clean" is how it once was but never more.

about a girl

So i filled your gap for a while.
While you were feeling that curse that we all call emptiness.

Loneliness is a sin to say the least bringing out the worst in us and all other around us.
Savagely attacking away until we find something and latch on bleeding the next person dry til you realise that they're not actually what you want.

I will never know how you feel or how you did, love is man made in my gentle opinion.
I still understand what your feeling and if you need me i'm here.

To live and die on fire.

I hope you read this i honestly do and hopefully this will help you understand...

I've tried to fight and make things right and stand by my words and morals.
I constantly felt as though i was losing all the time.
Every single word you've said to me i understood but i can't help but feel this could of been something more.
You need to understand that i tried to make everything so simple for you and every word i've said is with good intentions.

With me writing this out i'm not trying to say i'm crazy for you but to connect and feel so comfortable around someone and not let it have it's fair chance and flourishing is what's taking it's toll.

I'd love for one day to try things again but with the walls set high and the boundaries numerous i don't think we'd get another chance again.

I came to the decision to block you out to only protect you from tribulations and wars against what seems like the only people you have left, and make your life an ease.

I am not you and i understand that it wasn't worth taking that risk of an unknown pleasure.
I'm sorry that i have but it was only to protect you,


I wish that it could....

and now...

my mind is not set.
neither does it tick.
or beat to a rythm that's known to anyone.

It's out of sync with what is real or maybe what is known to be real.

I'm going to consult someone wiser than me in hope that he/she can fix this.
I never want to feel like that again.
Having a nervous breakdown has made me truelly realise something's not right.
and before you judge this as something it's not you need to fully understand why this has become.

Everyday nothing feels real.
i feel empty and worthless, inadequate so to speak.
The one thing holding me together "Y.G.A" is know lost.
To have the one thing you thought you were good at looking after others thrown back in your face can be that mm over the line that makes you break.

In simpler terms i had a nervous breakdown last week after a whole year of failing at looking after those around you and hurting everyone unintentionally that you held dear to you i broke with an array of emotions overcoming me.

I've had memory loss, mood swings, sleep paralysis, spontanious rages and also i'm struggling to do everyday tasks such as hold a conversation or put two sentences together so i apologise if this is absolute drivel i just need to make my mind stable again.