So this is where i'm standing....

So here is where i'm at aged 18.
I'm off to college in september to take a GNVQ diploma in Hospitality and Catering Level 1, i'm working my way up hoping to perfect the basics and rid my cowboy ways for good also learning the correct names/language will come of use for future. I'll still be working part time at HBC and hopefully i can move on from leicester after two years futhering my career and my passion as there really is no reason for me to stay in leicester anymore i need to move on for good? who knows.

In terms of my health to be honest it's appauling i don't sleep and i don't eat i smoke 20 a day "lung bleeders at that" and my mind's starting to wonder doing the same thing day in day out and putting up with the same old bullshit day in day out. I wish i could of had one of those normal social lives but then again i gave that up long ago for a reason. Yet again hopefully this should ease off featuring a change in lifestyle drastic at that, more sleep, more homecooked food, a permanent strutcture in my life and then including i'm hopefully quitting smoking to allow me to prepare my amateur pallet for whats to come and also i plan on going to the gym to actually excercise properly rather than running on an empty tank constantly.

Come september everything should fall into place with not that much legwork.

Now now now... let's talk about the opposite sex for a moment...
Here's an intersting subject for you.
I'm at breaking point actually to be honest it's about friendship aswell, i have no consistent friendships at the moment in and out weaving away through peoples lives helping where i can has ruined me well and truelly i mean who do i have left who's willing to see me on a regular basis, let me see.
rosie lives in london and almost works as much as me and to be honest i think she's alot better off with seeing me now and again she's come along so much since she moved there and finally she's happy so thats all i can ask for.
kay, lives in london so thats a no brainer although 2 years time just hopefully i'll be down there.
everyone else seems like they can't deal with another person in there life full time.
and other just see me as latching on to them because i have no one else.
same with girls really i'm kinda latching on to the first one and then fucking up my head some more.

i was going to write more but my toothache is killing me so i've decided to end this blog.
It's a case of i need a routine and i need a helping hand.

Alas i cease.
I've came to a suddent hault all my life i've known what i want to do and what direction i want to go in, i've always managed to be able to take a step back and look at the bigger picture so to speak which has made me more of an understanding/forgiving character.
but right right now i haven't got any sense of direction even though i have plans for my future everything is covered in a deep disorientating mist as to whether or not i'll achieve or walk a different path.
in all apspects of my life theres an array of pieces missing which need to be swiftly ammended.

i'm due for a miracle i'm waiting for a sign i stare straight into the sun and i won't close my eyes.