I recently had an expierience with salvia the "legal weed", in my own past i've taken an array of drugs including quite a few hallucigenics (excuse my spelling) i was level headed at the time and was more than willing to try it, i'm on of those people who will give anything a try because it's an expierience at the end of the day good or bad.....
What i saw and how i felt has messed my head and instincts beyond belief i can honestly say i freaked out from the go. How it's legal i really don't understand it was and i mean it, the worst expierience of my life i didn't know what was real and what wasn't for the following week and i still am pretty sceptic on certain things the moment my mind starts to wonder.
I strongly believe my minds too complicated for the drug due to my way of thinking and my views on such as the following;
-religion
-death
-the "beginning of time"
-How the world works
-the truman show
-what we touch and feel and everything around us
-trust
With my mind like this everythings starting to slip again.....
more on that later.
Thursday, May 28
Friday, May 8
Break me
I'd like to say yes everythings quite alright for me at the moment.
Work is getting easier my hours are slowly rising back up but i'm getting used to all the bullshit now, routine almost i'm used to walking into work and just almost expecting something to go wrong yes it makes it more interesting but on the other hand practicaly all of it is uncalled for and easily could be prevented by cutting a stone into two.
The bad patch is over and hopefully we're onto the straight and narrow now and so venetia is coming over tomorrow it's been too long two weeks to be exact but i know we're going to have an amazing time.
I'm yet to quit smoking as easy as it seemed at first i've quickly swallowed my words back up as i'm smoking right now, i have cut down from 20 to 5 a day but following tomorrow payday i don't know if i can hold it down for much longer, rolly's might be the answer.
The past month has been rather interesting i've caught up with alot of old friends who i thought i'd lost but by their greetings i know they're still there for me i doubt somehow they miss me but i know they're looking out for me as i am for them old and new.
Past week has been full of situations where i've felt like my old self again from nandos with tom, chilling round eli's to ringing kay for a natter. I know this won't last for long but i'm enjoying it for the mean time.
Good news i recieved my letter from leicester college with an interview date for next wednesday which should easily go down well landing me a place for september. It's the second most important thing which is keeping me going, there's only one other thing which has made me so excited in a long time and that's seeing her beautiful face :) but just to go and learn from scratch being a n00b almost;) just the idea of polishing off old skills should be exciting but i'm sorry working at a handmade burger joint isn't really cutting it atm i will miss the adrenaline rush after a busy service knowing you've done about 1k an hour and it's gone smoothly wacking out food row after row but then there's learning new stuff from butchery to bakery i'm ready to admit i know nothing and start a fresh and get everything i can from this expierience fuck the qualification i want to go and learn as much as possible to futher my career and show myself i can do it, i can actually get off my arse and follow something through. I also want to make my parents proud when i move on after to a better restaurant and cook some amazing mood, fresh and fine dining is my goal.
As far as my parents go at the moment well i've realised with my dad i'm never gonna be good enough for him to be honest i'll never work enough hours or work hard enough or even have a "proper job" i'm sorry you were working at 14 and you grafted your way through life and worked your way through up to were you are now but i'm sure i've more than proved that already and your too busy with your new life now to see that. I love my Dad to pieces i really do and i'll always try to maintain contact but i know i'll never be good enough.
My mum on the other hand well i regret so much and all the stuff i've put her through, out of all my family it's her i want to show that i can do well, i hardly know my mum and i've lived with her for so long i can honestly say i know fuck all about her and it's really upset me recently i just really want to prove to her i'm not a fuck up and she's brought me up incredibly well and all the shit i've given her she didn't deserve at all, i'm trying to make more of an effort now slowly but surely.
Theres one other person i'm going to college for and thats my brother ben, ever since i was little he's been my favourite brother being twice my age and all. But he's the one who first taught me how to sharpen a knife and handed me my first whites and trusted me to cook by his side he's always always had faith in me he put me up with a place to stay many a time, he taught be the basics and he always said this place isn't for you you need to move on and get yourself into college and then work your way up and never stop until you make it to where you want to be, he said don't do what i did and settle for a head chef job on good money i wish i could be where you are and go to college. He's also been more of a father figure to me i hope my father doesn't read this but he honestly has it feels like he's brought me up more sometimes.
Jake, he may be a little rascal but he's the smart one out of the lot and i know he's going to do well in his GCSE'S and i know he'll do well at college he may be a bit slow growing up but he's more than proved himself that he can stand on his two feet by making sure he gets out of bed on time every morning and going to school and doing his revision, maintaining a social life making sure he's bathed and fed i don't know many kids who could have as much as freedom as he does and still mange to pull it off.
Simon, he's still kicking back and enjoying his life and i envy him so much for that, he's still got his caring heart there aswell BFG pretty much. He's been working for a few months now and kept with it which i'm more than proud about as patronising as it may seem i'm so glad for his sake he's back on the right track. I really hope he keeps with it and one day ends up doing a job he enjoys.
Martin, me and martin have had our history in the past and when he was living with me it wasn't exactly a pleasant expierience i actually began to hate him even after all the years i used to visit him in his flat and play crappy playstation games and just talk to him when i needed to, i'd still fight with my life for him because at the end of the day he's my blood. He may still not be working but as long as he's got his kid i know he's happy thats the one most amazing thing thats happened in his life and i know he's more than just a great dad and i know with the support of my mum joe's going to be an exceptional child.
Sam, the only one of my brothers i rarely see and rarely connected with but he's done well for himself he really has and know he's following his dreams and getting into acting he recently starred as the lead role at the little theatre and i was amazed to see that my brother was standing there doing such an amazing job i was suprised and so proud at the same time.
That covers my immediate family i started to ramble a little then and i apologise but all this was more for my understand of my relationships more than anyone elses.
I'm going to leave this for now and hopefully i'll update soon.
Work is getting easier my hours are slowly rising back up but i'm getting used to all the bullshit now, routine almost i'm used to walking into work and just almost expecting something to go wrong yes it makes it more interesting but on the other hand practicaly all of it is uncalled for and easily could be prevented by cutting a stone into two.
The bad patch is over and hopefully we're onto the straight and narrow now and so venetia is coming over tomorrow it's been too long two weeks to be exact but i know we're going to have an amazing time.
I'm yet to quit smoking as easy as it seemed at first i've quickly swallowed my words back up as i'm smoking right now, i have cut down from 20 to 5 a day but following tomorrow payday i don't know if i can hold it down for much longer, rolly's might be the answer.
The past month has been rather interesting i've caught up with alot of old friends who i thought i'd lost but by their greetings i know they're still there for me i doubt somehow they miss me but i know they're looking out for me as i am for them old and new.
Past week has been full of situations where i've felt like my old self again from nandos with tom, chilling round eli's to ringing kay for a natter. I know this won't last for long but i'm enjoying it for the mean time.
Good news i recieved my letter from leicester college with an interview date for next wednesday which should easily go down well landing me a place for september. It's the second most important thing which is keeping me going, there's only one other thing which has made me so excited in a long time and that's seeing her beautiful face :) but just to go and learn from scratch being a n00b almost;) just the idea of polishing off old skills should be exciting but i'm sorry working at a handmade burger joint isn't really cutting it atm i will miss the adrenaline rush after a busy service knowing you've done about 1k an hour and it's gone smoothly wacking out food row after row but then there's learning new stuff from butchery to bakery i'm ready to admit i know nothing and start a fresh and get everything i can from this expierience fuck the qualification i want to go and learn as much as possible to futher my career and show myself i can do it, i can actually get off my arse and follow something through. I also want to make my parents proud when i move on after to a better restaurant and cook some amazing mood, fresh and fine dining is my goal.
As far as my parents go at the moment well i've realised with my dad i'm never gonna be good enough for him to be honest i'll never work enough hours or work hard enough or even have a "proper job" i'm sorry you were working at 14 and you grafted your way through life and worked your way through up to were you are now but i'm sure i've more than proved that already and your too busy with your new life now to see that. I love my Dad to pieces i really do and i'll always try to maintain contact but i know i'll never be good enough.
My mum on the other hand well i regret so much and all the stuff i've put her through, out of all my family it's her i want to show that i can do well, i hardly know my mum and i've lived with her for so long i can honestly say i know fuck all about her and it's really upset me recently i just really want to prove to her i'm not a fuck up and she's brought me up incredibly well and all the shit i've given her she didn't deserve at all, i'm trying to make more of an effort now slowly but surely.
Theres one other person i'm going to college for and thats my brother ben, ever since i was little he's been my favourite brother being twice my age and all. But he's the one who first taught me how to sharpen a knife and handed me my first whites and trusted me to cook by his side he's always always had faith in me he put me up with a place to stay many a time, he taught be the basics and he always said this place isn't for you you need to move on and get yourself into college and then work your way up and never stop until you make it to where you want to be, he said don't do what i did and settle for a head chef job on good money i wish i could be where you are and go to college. He's also been more of a father figure to me i hope my father doesn't read this but he honestly has it feels like he's brought me up more sometimes.
Jake, he may be a little rascal but he's the smart one out of the lot and i know he's going to do well in his GCSE'S and i know he'll do well at college he may be a bit slow growing up but he's more than proved himself that he can stand on his two feet by making sure he gets out of bed on time every morning and going to school and doing his revision, maintaining a social life making sure he's bathed and fed i don't know many kids who could have as much as freedom as he does and still mange to pull it off.
Simon, he's still kicking back and enjoying his life and i envy him so much for that, he's still got his caring heart there aswell BFG pretty much. He's been working for a few months now and kept with it which i'm more than proud about as patronising as it may seem i'm so glad for his sake he's back on the right track. I really hope he keeps with it and one day ends up doing a job he enjoys.
Martin, me and martin have had our history in the past and when he was living with me it wasn't exactly a pleasant expierience i actually began to hate him even after all the years i used to visit him in his flat and play crappy playstation games and just talk to him when i needed to, i'd still fight with my life for him because at the end of the day he's my blood. He may still not be working but as long as he's got his kid i know he's happy thats the one most amazing thing thats happened in his life and i know he's more than just a great dad and i know with the support of my mum joe's going to be an exceptional child.
Sam, the only one of my brothers i rarely see and rarely connected with but he's done well for himself he really has and know he's following his dreams and getting into acting he recently starred as the lead role at the little theatre and i was amazed to see that my brother was standing there doing such an amazing job i was suprised and so proud at the same time.
That covers my immediate family i started to ramble a little then and i apologise but all this was more for my understand of my relationships more than anyone elses.
I'm going to leave this for now and hopefully i'll update soon.
Monday, May 4
Friday, May 1
AITENEV - The pleasure to end all pleasures.
I lead a very serious life in some aspects yes i may kick back from time to time but i'm still in this mode that i'm in at work the kind of one where anything wrong irritates you and you keep going and going you can't just stop and breathe for two seconds.
I hate bringing all of this into my outside life it really troubles me sometimes from friendships to relationships. I still manage to scrape by but i don't want it to be like that.
In other news i've not slept more than 7 hours a night in quite a while and it's taking it's toll i'm back to working more than i sleep which is ridiculous. One little phone call earlier manage to snap me back up and sort me out even if it was just a love you :).
Finally i do apologise about this on reading my friends blogs i've noticed how they're all pretty much narated through and very well structured and kept to a similar topic throughout or you could even say they actually have some importance, in comparisson to my mitch matched patch of words jumbled together to form a so called sentence.
My humblest apologies
Ernest.
I hate bringing all of this into my outside life it really troubles me sometimes from friendships to relationships. I still manage to scrape by but i don't want it to be like that.
In other news i've not slept more than 7 hours a night in quite a while and it's taking it's toll i'm back to working more than i sleep which is ridiculous. One little phone call earlier manage to snap me back up and sort me out even if it was just a love you :).
Finally i do apologise about this on reading my friends blogs i've noticed how they're all pretty much narated through and very well structured and kept to a similar topic throughout or you could even say they actually have some importance, in comparisson to my mitch matched patch of words jumbled together to form a so called sentence.
My humblest apologies
Ernest.
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